Friendship Break-ups

I recently had to pretty much break up with a close friend of mine after they kept brushing me aside and took me for granted. Ever since I started therapy I hadn’t cried over someone. But I cried over this “friend”. On one side I was proud that I have worked so hard to get strong mentally, this got me thinking. Why do friendship breakups hurt more than romantic ones? Why is hard to begin with? This is just like any other relationship right? It shouldn’t be this hard no?

Turns out… It is. Let me explain…

In any relationship, you give a small part of yourself to that person. For example let us assume that we all are a garden of sorts. We have all kinds of plants, thorns, weeds, trees. You name it, it is there. The good, bad and the ugly. When we enter a relationship we give a small plant/sapling to the other person to nurture. In a romantic setting the promise is to nurture this plant as much as the other person does. The whole agreement is that there is equal amount of protection and love to be given to this plant. And the setup is kept such that both parties will show each other how much they care for and shower the plant with love aka they show they love in so many words. That is how their progress is shown.

This is not the case in a friendship. We don’t do romantic gestures or in fact any kind of gestures of love towards a friend in a regular timeline. We show we care in a time of crisis or a time of celebration. But what about all the other times? Friendships don’t work like that or rather we don’t do that much. But it is based on the strong assumption that your friend is taking good care of this part of you. You don’t give it to them. It just stays with them on its own. Like a pollen maybe? Or you just drop off a part of you, big or small unbeknownst to you. So this other person has to put in some work right? Like if it is a tree sapling, it needs certain care and support until it establishes it’s root system. If it is a flower plant or a fruit plant, it needs constant care. If it is an invasive plant (yes I am talking about mint only) you don’t have to do anything. It just crops up everywhere. But in any case, any plant needs some water, some nutrients, some sun and some shade too.

What happens when you take care of all the plants given to you that it flourishes and the other person does the bare minimum? You will not know… Or how do you know? You can see glimpses of this every now and then. Few people show you the progress. These are people who communicate and tell you how they feel. Some people will not show, but will give you an implication of what all they do. And they would openly say they how they want you to take care of their piece of plant that is with you. Still with me?

What about the people who don’t do much for your plant but say that they do? Because they think what they are doing is the maximum they can do for it. And they expect you to be doing the same. Like just pour water over that plant regularly. But a plant needs more than that right? What happens when you go all out and do everything you can to give this plant the best environment? And how would you feel when you see the progress on the other side? You feel dejected and at one point you will decide to push this plant to the back side so you can focus on the ones left or just yourself. Now imagine you have to repot that plant so it could be among other trees or just in different part of the garden that you won’t venture to as much. You won’t want to get rid of it all together. You will want to keep it but just not in the centre anymore. That is what hurts the most. Killing a plant is easier. It is one swift motion and you are done. You will even plant a new sapling in the same void. But repotting a plant and putting it in a corner? I don’t think that is easy. You will still water it, trim it and take care of it. But not as regularly as you used to do. You will look at this plant in the corner and sigh at how much you loved it and nurtured it. That sigh is what hurts. This extended process is what causes more pain. This not able to let go and hate the person completely…

Did I just complicate the whole thing? It sucks when you think of someone as your best friend and you are just an acquaintance to them. It sucks that you are the only one feeling this deeply for someone. And it sucks more than a romantic break up because you curse yourself for not having an initial agreement of mutual respect and care. You assumed it will be there and you were disappointed. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. It is the fact that you meant nothing to someone makes it much more messier. You can’t even get angry because there was no prior accord that it has to be a certain way. They thought the minimal amount of care they gave you was more than enough. It is that thought which breaks our heart. That they valued us lesser than we valued them. The weighing scale tipped more on our side and we never even noticed it!

In the end we are more angry at ourselves than at them. It is the self loathing that makes it harder. We don’t blame this person completely. We take partial blame.

Show your friends you love. Help them and show them that you care. And do not wait for the right moment or a dramatic moment to do so. It may never come and the misunderstanding might break the bond too.