I am back with yet another New Year post. I feel like I remember the existence of this blog only on 31st December every year. I will not try and take some resolution saying I will blog more. I probably won’t. But I like that I am recording something every year here. This year’s post will be slightly on the sadder side. TLDR; It was a hard year with a lot of things that happened. I had to get two surgeries.
I read somewhere that there’s a phobia of getting happy because they get scared that something bad is going to happen. For months, my therapist drilled it into me that life is just difficult sometimes. I was almost going to believe it.
Almost…
It feels like being cut open under general anaesthesia will only come in twos for me. In 2022, I had to undergo a FESS procedure in January and then in August I underwent an endometriosis excision surgery. Took me almost another six months to even feel a bit normal. Then I thought life is all dandy. I can get better now.
Nope!
I had a difficult low phase and almost for a month I was just in bed. Depression struck hard. It was hard as hell to even get back up from that. I don’t think I’m fully healed from that one episode honestly. Because I still cry when I think about it. It took me months after that to even think about restarting therapy.
People think mental health and therapy is like some one-stop thing. Sadly the healing is never linear, Infact it goes so berserk that you would lose count on how many times you almost lost your marbles. Somehow I found it in me to get my strength back. Tell myself that I am not a bad person. Tell myself that I’m capable of being happy. I almost believed it.
Then 2025 started. Things were fine. And then my endometriosis flared up again. So off to a surgery that put me on more pain than lesser. Slowly I started feeling normal about it after six months. Now I just came back after a redo FESS because my body decided to give up on me again.
Like I said, my surgeries come in twos. Having two chronic conditions means both will give trouble one after another and then stay dormant for about two years. Life’s funny like that. I’m beginning to think I might have that phobia because I was almost getting happy. Feeling good. A part of me was always afraid that the other shoe is going to drop. I kept convincing myself that it won’t. But well, it did.
It sucks. I feel like I can’t catch a break. I’m spending every long holiday of mine recovering from something. Not able to save up money because everything is going into medical bills. I would usually post pictures and rant on my social media. But currently I don’t feel safe there also. I feel like this blog is the last place I have left. Where I can be my own true self. Where I can talk the raw truth and cry about it or laugh about it. I want to see the silver lining. I do have a silver lining. But when the pain is so bad, I should be able to feel my feelings. So here I am… feeling it all. Sharing it all hoping it will clear some clouds and let me relax a bit. I won’t apologise for my rant. The blog is here for that.
Now lets go to the beginning of the year. Pretty much right after New Year’s I moved to my current apartment. It was a really good find with lots of natural light coming in. My cats settled in. This January I watched my first ever Japanese musical play. I watched it online, but it was so exciting. I joined my job a couple months later. It was and still is a rollercoaster. Who knew, being a teacher and teaching elementary children will heal your inner child as well. I am still learning so much. The saving grace this entire year is my little interactions with my students that made my day. The kids discovering that I watch anime and start asking me questions, their pop culture quizzes that made me go like “I was there when it was made” and a damn constant reminder that I am old. Kids are brutal man!
Then my endometriosis flare up happened. Spent the entire summer vacation in pain after surgery. Went from doctor to doctor, just wanting the pain to stop. Therapy helped me a lot through all that. And all my friends. I don’t think I could have gone through all of it without any of them. I had all of them rallying around me, making plans and helping me with everything. I literally had a friend come home and just clean the dishes and fold the laundry for me because I was in too much pain.
Another small fun part of my life this year is my hair. I have been growing it out. Currently I have waist length hair with green highlights near the nape. It’s fun and for once I am not running off to chop it up. Also I took up stitching and doing minor alterations on my clothes on my own. Hand sewing stuff to fix it. I even started a big alteration project of converting a dress into a corset tie up version. I haven’t finished it. But I really hope I could finish it soon and wear it.
I finally invested and bought slightly pricier professional grade paint brushes. And I began dabbling more and more in water colours. I even took up gouache. I am having a lot of fun. One of my biggest achievements of this year would be that I actually completed Inktober 2025. I feel like drawing anime sketches is the way for me to finish any challenge.
I did not read much this year. But maybe I should start reading a bit more from now on. Even trying to set out specific time for it every day. So lets see if I am able to do that.
This year was a year of heartbreaks. Heartbreaks aren’t just from romance or relationships alone. My heart broke repeatedly this year when I had to cry from constant pain, constant health issues, unable to eat, unable to breathe properly. My heart is still broken because I struggle with basic things that comes easily for others such as breathing. It sucks that I have conditions that don’t exactly go along with the way of my life. My heart breaks that I am at an age where I need to start looking into retirement options and situations but I am still struggling with health issues back to back. My heart breaks about certain aspects of my job that almost breaks me as a person as well.
But I am going to try hard and heal my heart. Heal it over and over again.
As Carrie Fisher said “Take your broken heart, make it into art”
So here’s a piece of art I made…
Happy New Year everyone… If there is anyone still reading this blog that is…