To my beloved darling…

He he… It is funny. You hate being addressed as dear or cutie and that is exactly how I am starting this letter. For all I know you would be frowning at the very words and leave out the entire letter that follows it.
You are cute that way. That kiddish frown you make only when you are with me. I felt privileged when your brother said you had never been that way with anyone in the family. Oh how I wished to tell him that I was lucky enough to see so many things from you that none of them would ever see.
I was coming back from work today and happened to board a pretty empty bus and the songs on the radio were just so soothing. I started thinking “Oh I should tell him about this.”
And then I was like “Is he thinking about me now?”
Well it is pretty normal for people in a long distance relationship to think that way right? Its even more fun when the two people are in completely opposite time zones. We could hardly make out a time slot to even Skype.
What could I say? It was the most fun I have ever had. Waking up with a smile, going to bed with dreams forming in my head already… Dreams of us being together…
But my train of thoughts crashed when that one thought popped up. “He would be with her… Why is he going to think about you?”
A tear drop almost spilled from my eyes. For a moment there I forgot that you were no more mine. Oh sorry. You were never mine to begin with. You knew all along that you were betrothed to her. And yet you claimed to love me. You never thought that you could have given me a fair warning. In all those two and half years we were lovers.
What is even more saddening is that you did not feel like mentioning me to anyone you ever knew. Not your closest friend, not your sister or brother… No one?
Was it that shameful? Our relationship?
I kept the sindhoor on my forehead thinking one day you will do the same to me. Although I don’t do it now the red is still there. Except you officially became hers and not mine anymore.
And then my conscience started answering the very questions I had in the beginning of this letter.
“Oh I should ask him to listen to this song”
“So he could enjoy it with his wife?”
“Is he thinking about me?”
“Probably comparing his wife and you and concluding that she is much better than you.” 

You don’t seem pained in any of your social media pictures. I am glad that you are happy. I am just sad that I am not a part of it. You still make me happy. You still make me smile.
Except that soon after a heart wrenching pain follows it.

Its funny how I am writing this letter on Valentine’s Day again. The last time I wrote a letter on V-Day I sent it to you and you had no words to express how you felt. I saw your face as you read it. Those emotions were true. Even if it was through a screen, I know raw emotions when I see them. And that is enough for me.

With love,
Your chellam.

She closed the journal wiping off her tears. It had been a habit for her to write letters everytime she felt happy or sad. Usually it will be addressed to god. And then she started addressing a few to her ex-lover. As she flipped through the yellowing pages she more tears drops fell on them blotting them. It was her way of pouring out her feelings. To write letters that will never be mailed! 

####

This is part of “Write a love letter campaign by Chennai Bloggers Club” 
A small sad love letter.