I just saw a friend of mine share her story and thought “Hey, So I am not the only one who had a similar experience…” When BLACK LIVES MATTER hit India it took a different turn. A turn I don’t think many people expected and even thought of. Us Indians are collectively called brown by the rest of the world. But in tamil I don’t think there is a separate word for brown. We have one word which is “Karuppu” and that is widely used for brown as well as black as its the skin tone…
I have been called Karuppu for a major part of my life. In my family where fair skin somehow runs in all women, I was the only female child to have born with my father’s skin complexion. I was 5 years old when my family doctor kept calling me Black Beauty and everyone was laughing at how I squirmed. My cousins would not play with me because I was not fair. Studying in a mostly brahmins school did not help me gain any confidence. I was made fun of for being dark. Things got bad when I heard my grandmother say that I probably did not belong to them because no girl child has ever been dark skinned in their family. For the first 20 years of my life I never had anyone except for my father call me pretty or beautiful. I had the nickname Kappi… Hated it so much that I cried everytime someone called me by that name. I still remember my father telling the 12 year old me that all gods are actually supposed to be dark skinned according to the old scriptures. And he went on to say that he lovingly calls “Karpagambal” as Kappi and hence he was the only one allowed to use that name for me.
I used to douse myself in all sorts of fairness creams I could get my hands on. A 10 year old kid had the need to put fairness cream and none in her family thought it was a bad idea. In fact my uncle went and got me a new Fair and Lovely tube so I can get fairer soon just like they showed in the commercials. My dad although did not stop me from putting on fairness cream he tried a few times to remind me that I was pretty no matter what. I still remember him saying “Nee azhagu than di…” He was my only ally in this family of dark skin haters. But I was not mature enough to understand that my father was stating a fact and not just consoling me. I hated him for giving me his dark colour. I shouldn’t have told him that. But I didn’t know better back then.
Cut to college. I was noticed for having curves. Guys would come and tell me that in the proudest tone possible. It felt weird and I wanted to yell at them that I had a face right above those curves. So one guy quoted a dialog from Paruthi Veeran instead “Aalu karu vandu madhiri karu karu nu irundha… Ippo konjam polish aagita” I wanted to punch him. Almost all these people who called me dark and pointed that as a negative were pretty much my skin tone only. It never made sense. I never felt beautiful. Not until my first proper boyfriend called me beautiful. And somehow when he said it, I was able to believe him. But then he had to call himself dark when compared to me. So I am prettier than him. Now that I think of it, it does not make much sense.
The biggest shocking reveal happened to me a couple years ago. I was working with a photographer and he said he needs to look how the light works for dusky skintone. When I told him I could help him test, he laughed and said I am not exactly dusky but a kind of fair wheatish complexion. So technically I am not even dark and I was made to feel ugly for as long as I could remember. I cried in temples asking to be made fair. I was willing to even paint myself fair just to feel pretty for a few hours. Looking back at the pictures where I have whitewashed my face with a ton of powder, I feel sorry for that kid. I feel sorry that a small kid had to develop a strong inferiority complex thanks to everyone around her who made her feel bad about herself.
Now we get to see all diversity in entertainment industry, we see makeup products that cater to dark skin tones specifically, models of all skin tones being treated the same way, we see fairness creams use the word “glow” or “tan-removal” instead of “skin lightening”. But the issue is nowhere close to being over.
We still have to go out of our way to say that dark skin is beautiful or karuppa irundhalum kalai ah iruka kind of statements. We still have the need to put another adjective and describe some other trait when dark is present. Being fair is somehow still a default beauty standard. Being dark skinned needs to be assured that they are beautiful. Honestly this is tiring. Being shunned by your own family is tiring. It is just a skin tone, some extra melanin. It does not define who I am or certainly should not define how I should be treated. I am a person with more than just brown skin.
It took me 20 years and two amazing men to help me understand just how beautiful I am. Now I don’t need extra assurance to feel that way. But why was it even an issue to begin with?
❤️