The year of losses

I wish I had a more brighter and more positive blog post to write. But I don’t. Life has not been easy on me for the past few months. Since last November I have had more calls and heard more news about loved ones passing than any other kind of news.

Usually it would be someone I barely knew or someone who was pretty old, like a grandparent. I won’t feel too sorry about such a demise. They lived their life and left. It all started on a nice evening and I get a call from my friend saying one of our friends killed himself. He was supposed to live a nice life, celebrate more birthdays and share more laughs with us. He just left. Before I was able to get up from that, I get a call from my father saying that one of my aunts passed away in a car accident. For the next two weeks any phone call I received gave me a small panic attack. I didn’t tell that to anybody. But it took me a while to get the trembling and the breathing under control. I had to keep reminding myself that not all phone calls came with a bad news. Then things were slightly getting better. We were coming back from a trip when my friend receives a call saying her uncle passed away. I don’t do well in consoling people while they cry. All I know is to hug them and let them cry on my shoulder. That night I saw my friend cry herself to sleep as she lay her head on my shoulder through that bumpy ride back home. It might not have been my family but I felt that loss.

Then slowly months passed. I almost thought I had this whole life thing under control. I almost got the idea that things were being smooth. Then came the hardest blow of all. My father suffered a heart attack and I saw him leave me. I controlled my tears in order to hold my mother. I had to stay calm so that she could break down. I always thought my mother would be the first one to leave. She had that many health issues. But I didn’t realize that my father had more issues just that he never let us know or got them treated. So much for “men are superior” mentality. I had no one to help and then I turn around to find a whole bunch of people surrounding me and taking care of me.

I don’t think I can thank them enough for all they did. They held me, fed me, consoled me, heard me ramble… They all still let me rant and give me their shoulders to lean on. Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done if it were not for those souls that stayed by me and still put up with me. I realized I was lucky. But I had my own issues to resolve right, issues I can’t possibly let anybody else solve for me.

I just came back from a funeral. My friend’s mother passed away. As much as I wish to tell him I know how it feels, I actually don’t. It’s annoying because I wish to help, yet I have no idea how to. I’m still awkward when consoling people about a loss. I come back home and my brother was like “sure is a year of deaths” and I had to tell him that my year of deaths started last year itself. I get that as an adult you experience both good and bad equally, but this kind of distribution sucks. Seriously what the hell is wrong with this universe????